If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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