some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
