He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
