i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
