I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
