The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
