I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
