I think i peed on brittanys purse
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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