woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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