My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I touched a dick in church today
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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