Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
