Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
