I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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