I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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