I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
