You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
