I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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