A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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