There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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