I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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