First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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