I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Randomize
