Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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