Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize