he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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