my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The air taste purple.
Randomize
