I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
