i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
