i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
