i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
