if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
