Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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