theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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