I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
