i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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