Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
