So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
