I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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