I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
