I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
