His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize