im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
