How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
