he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
