No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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