1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
