My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
