My friends, they love my intelligence
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
