If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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