So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
