I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
