I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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