I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
