I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I am naked and annoyed.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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