Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
