I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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