mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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