I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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