u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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