I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
