Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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