So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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