my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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