Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
